Band Geeks
by Roseheartwhitefox
Summary: When Kuno receives a phone call from an old rival, he must bring together his own band to play in order to best him. Based on the Spongebob Squarepants Episode "Band Geeks". Stupid. Lots of crack.


Kuno was relaxing at home playing one of his many musical instruments. The sound echoed through the estate and down the street. Kuno stood up as he heard a knock at the front door. It was a man in a white lab coat. He coughed awkwardly and began to speak.

_"Uhh, _yeah, we're with the pet hospital down the street and I understand that you have a dying animal on the premises. We got a phone call about it." Kuno was about to respond when the telephone began to ring, and the answering machine picked up the call.

"Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the-" came Kuno's voice from the machine. Kuno seemed uninterested in the phone call - that is, until he heard the voice on the machine.

"Sounds like you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh ol' chum?" Came the voice. Kuno jumped out of his skin as he ran to pick up the phone. It was Edward - his former classmate, and long-time rival.

"Is... this Edward Fancyson from band class?" Kuno nervously spoke over the phone. The other person on the line chuckled.

"Well well, if it isn't the late and great Tatewaki Kuno. So I hear you're playing the on the low end back in Furinkan now, eh Kuno boy? I heard your playing when I came by the house. Is it always that bad?" came the sny, arrogant voice of Edward.

Kuno sighed audibly as a bead of sweat ran down his face. "Sometimes. Uh, how's everything going these days?" Kuno replied nervously.

"It's big and valuable, little Kuno," said Edward pompously. "I'm the leader of a big fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the bubble bowl next week."

Kuno nearly dropped the telephone. "The bu-bu-bu... The bu-bu-bu... The bu-bu-bu..." Kuno was speechless. The Bubble Bowl was only THE most elite show for a marching band. Only the best of the best were given even a slim chance of performing.

Edward chuckled with cruelty, sensing Kuno's shock. "That's right. I'm living your dreams Kuno. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your band could cover for us."

Kuno was left speechless again. It was the opportunity of a lifetime - yet presented by his old rival. "Ohh, uhh, I...I, uhh..."

"I knew it. You don't even have a band!" Edward cackled over the phone. "Well, I'll just let you get back on your path to the service industry now. Guess you'll just have to keep it as a fantasy, eh Kuno?"

Kuno furrowed his eyebrows as he shouted into the phone, gripping it for dear life. "Hold it! It just so happens that I don't plan to sell fast food, I do have a band, and we're going to play that Bubble Bowl. How do you like that, Fancyboy?"

"Oh?" came Edward's voice after a brief pause. "Well then, that does change things doesn't it? Very well. I'll inform the appropriate parties of your acceptance. Good luck, next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of...Ibuprofen." Kuno heard a click as the phone hung up.

Kuno stood dead in his tracks, the phone still held up to his ear as he tried to let what happened sink in. A look of stark realization finally came over his face. "Oh my! I've got to drum up a marching band fast!" Kuno exclaimed to himself. "Drum...haha...band humor. Still though, I need a group of people who can possibly be gullible enough to join in this impossible task. Where on earth am I going to find that?"

* * *

Outside of the Tendo training hall, Ranma was staring at a new sign that had been plastered on the door.

"Hey guys!" Ranma shouted to the kitchen where his friends were finishing up lunch. "Get a load of this!"

Ukyo squinted at the flyer and began to read. "Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?"

Ryoga leaned in behind Ukyo. "-Then become part of the greatest musical sensation to ever hit Furinkan."

Shampoo leaned in behind Ryoga. "-And be forever adored by thousands of people you don't know."

Mousse, following suit, leaned in behind Shampoo, adjusting his glasses. "Hmm..not to mention free refreshments."

Akane leaned in behind Mousse and read the final line. "Practice begins tonight. 8:30 sharp."

Kuno chuckled to himself at the group. He was well hidden behind a large tree. Ranma and the others had taken the bait. Now all he had to do was wait. Perhaps he'd get his band after all.

* * *

__Kuno grumbled to himself as he walked up to the community hall. "Stupid music rental clerk made me late. That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow. Elbow, heh, more band humor." he chuckled to himself. He grinned as he heard the chattering within the hall. People had actually shown up. Kuno threw the doors open and stomped up to the front of the room as many pairs of eyes met his.

Kuno took in a deep breath as he addressed the room. "People, people, settle down. Okay, now. How many of you have played musical instruments before?"

Kodachi was the first to answer. "Do instruments of torture count?"

Kuno sighed. "No."

Mousse was the next to raise his hand. "Is mayonnaise an instrument?"

Kuno held his head in his hand in frustration. "No, Mousse, mayonnaise is not an instrument," Mousse raised his hand again. "Horseradish is not an instrument, either," Kuno took a deep breath and brought his hands together in front of him. "That's fine. No one has any experience. Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you." he laughed.

Ranma furrowed his eyes. "When do we get the free food?" Kuno ignored him.

Kuno went around the large room as set each person up with an instrument. All he needed to do was teach this infidels to play an instrument in time for the show. For the great Tatewaki Kuno, such a task would be a breeze. After assigning Ranma, Akane, Ryoga, Mousse, Shampoo, Kodachi, Happosai, Genma, Soun, and the other students who had stupidly shown up, he was ready to start practice.

"Ok, try to repeat after me," said Kuno with confidence as he played 5 notes on his flute. _"_Brass section, go!" The brass section perfectly mimicked the notes. "Good. Now the wind!" The wind section repeated._ "_And the drums!" The drums played as instructed. "See? That didn't kill me. I've got this in the bag." Kuno said confidently. "Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five."

"Is this the part where we start kicking?" asked Ranma

Kuno sighed. "No, Ranma, that's a chorus line."

Ryoga stood up from his chair. "Kicking? I want to do some kicking." Ryoga then proceeded to kick Ranma in the rear.

Ranma groaned as he glared at Ryoga. "Why, you..." he exclaimed, dragging Ryoga outside and continuing the fight. It wasn't long until Ryoga was launched face first through the wall.

Ryoga's eyes were rolling in his sockets. "Whoever is the owner of the white Sudan, you left your lights on."

* * *

It was the second day of band practice. Kuno had decided to get the group outside and practice marching, as this was a key component of the performance. He led them down the street and surprisingly the group was following his instructions and performing moderately well.

Kuno stopped the group as he slowly clapped his hands. "Ok, that's perfect everybody. Bubble Bowl here we come!" he exclaimed. "Flag twirlers, really spin those things. Okay...turn. Flag twirlers, let's go!" said Kuno as the flag twirlers began marching ahead of the group. "I wanna see some spinning. Flag twirlers let's move. C'mon, move!" The twirlers began to vigorously move their staffs - so much in fact, they took off into the air, crashing into a nearby window. And so ended the marching band practice.

* * *

It was now day three. Kuno was struggling to find an instrument for each individual member. The disorganized sounds of various instruments echoed through the hallway. Kuno simply walked amongst them, hoping deeply that these fools could play by the time the show happened. He stopped at the lecher, Happosai, who for some reason was in the ensemble. However, Kuno needed all the help he could get, so he wasn't going to be too picky.

Kuno bent down to Happosai's eye level. "How's the harmonica playing going, Happosai?"

Happosai grinned at him. "It's tremendous. You wanna see?" Happosai played a single note into the harmonica before running out of breath. He looked up at Kuno eagerly, and Kuno simply hit his palm to his own face.

* * *

It was day four. Only one night remained until the big show, and things were not coming together whatsoever. However, Kuno was not one to be a quitter, and was not going down without a fight. That day of practice he stood in front of the class with the largest look of determination on his face as of yet.

Kuno cleared his throat before he spoke. "Well, this is our last night together before the show. And I know that you haven't improved since we began..." Mousse began to tap on the trumpet as Kuno spoke. "-but I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?

Happosai jumped up above the crowd. _"Correct!"_

Kuno smiled nervously in his reply. "So, if we play loud, people might think we're good," Kuno stated loudly. The group nodded in unison. "Okay, take your positions. Everybody ready? And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four-"

The sound that had been created by the group of instruments was so loud and disorganized, every single window inside the hall crackled and disintegrated. Kuno's jaw dropped to the floor at the sight, and he covered up his face with his hands in his reply._"_Ok, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us."

Nabiki scowled at Kuno's statement. "Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if some people didn't try to play with itty bitty baby hands."

Happosai glared behind him at Nabiki. "What did you say, punk?"

Nabiki narrowed her eyes. _"Itty. Bitty. Baby. Hands."_

Happosai clenched his fists. "Well, these itty bitty hands can play a hell of a lot better than any of you people can!"

Ranma was now face to face with Happosai. "Bring it on, ol' man. Bring it on." Ranma taunted.

Ryoga stepped in between Ranma and Happosai, waving his hands to try and break up the potential fight. "No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off."

Ukyo held out her spatula at Ryoga. "Oh, so now Ryoga honey is going to preach to us!" she spat.

Kuno could see that things were quickly disintegrating. He ran into the crowd to try to prevent things from escalating further. "Wait, wait. I know tensions are high!" Yet his pleads were ignored as fighting amongst the band members broke out around him. Kuno winced as an instrument went flying across the room. _"_There's a deposit on the equipment, people!" Yet it was too late. Everyone was now using their instrument as a weapon if possible, not even noticing that Kuno was speaking to them. "Settle down, please!"

Nabiki poked her head from the tangle of fighting and looked at the clock. "Hey, class is over!" She exclaimed. The fighting immediately stopped as the group scattered, heading for the door. However, Kuno slammed it open in front of them before they could leave.

__Kuno's eyes were full of tears as he spoke to the group. "Well, you did it. You took my one chance at happiness and crushed it. Crushed it into little tiny, bite-size pieces. I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too," Kuno stated dramatically. "Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident. So, thanks, thanks for nothing." Kuno sharply turned around and walked off into the evening.

Mousse poked his head from behind the group and shouted to Kuno. "You're welcome!"

Ranma's arms hung limp at his sides. He raised a hand to gain the attention of the group and stepped forward to speak. "What kind of monsters are we?" Ranma said. "That poor creature came to us in his hour of need, and we failed him. Kuno's always been there for us when it was convenient for him," Ranma explained with great sadness. "Shampoo, who helped save the Cat Cafe when you had that kitchen fire?"

Shampoo raised an eyebrow at Ranma. "A fireman."

Ranma then turned to Happosai. "And Happosai, when your heart gave out that time in the women's locker room, who revived you?"

Happosai glanced at Ranma with a raised eyebrow as well. "Some guy in an ambulance."

Ranma clapped his hands together. "Right! So, if we can all just _pretend_ that Kuno was a fireman, or a guy in an ambulance, then I'm sure that we can all pull together and discover what it truly means: to be in a marching band!" Ranma exclaimed with fervor. "So, who's with me?"

Ryoga raised his head above the crowd as he shouted excitedly. _"Yeah!_ for the firemen!"

The entire group cheered in agreement with Ranma. _"Hooray!" _they cried with glee and determination.

Ranma jumped up onto the stage above the group with passion in his eyes. "Now let's make Kuno proud. A 1, a 2, a skiddleydiddleydoo!"

And so, the practice began.

* * *

__Kuno stood outside the gates of the stadium, his face full of defeat as he spoke to himself. "I knew this was going to happen. They're just going to have to find another band to play. I just hope that -" yet he was cut off as a figure appeared in front of him like a dark monolith. _"-_Edward doesn't find out!_ Edward!" _Kuno exclaimed almost jumping out of his clothes. "Ah! What are you doing here?"

Edward sneered at Kuno with a laugh."I just wanted to watch you blow it. So, where's your band?"

Kuno paused as he twiddled his fingers. "Um, they couldn't come. They...died."

Edward scowled and pointed behind Kuno. "Then who's _that?"_

Kuno's face drained of all color as he turned around face to face with Ranma and the others._"AH! _That would be my band!"

Ranma stepped ahead of the group and grinned ecstatically. "We're ready to perform Kuno!"

Edward grazed his eyes over Ranma and the others and sneered loudly. "Well, Kuno, this is exactly how I pictured your band would look." Ranma gave a thumbs up and a wink at the response.

Kuno held his palm up to his face. "That's his...eager face."

Kuno fell to his knees as Edward cackled in victory. "Well, I guess this will be the last time I can show my face in this town."

Ranma patted Kuno on the back. "That's the spirit, Kuno!"

Kuno and his band entered the sphere that would take them up to the stadium. For Kuno, these were the last moments he would be able to show his face as a respectable citizen. He groaned, preparing himself for the humiliation that was certainly to come. As they rose up to the stadium, the voice of the announcer grew louder.

"Ok, football fans!" came the voice of the announcer. "Put your hands together for the _Furinkan SuperBand!"_ As the sphere rose into the stadium, the crowd began to cheer and raise their arms.

Kuno took his place in front of his band, his face dripping with sweat, lost of all color. He took a deep breath. "Okay, everybody. Let's get this over with. 1, 2, 3, 4..."

Kuno clasped his eyes shut, and waited for the horrible noise that was sure to come. Yet it did not. In fact, the sound of the horns coming from the band in front of him wasn't just good - it was practically perfect.

Happosai played notes on the piano as the band members separated, revealing Ranma. The spotlight took its place on him, and he began to sing - and sing well.

_The winner takes all  
It's the thrill of one more kill  
The last one to fall  
Will never sacrifice their will_

Kuno simply stared ahead, his jaw to the floor. His band was playing. They were playing outstanding. He was sure this was some kind of dream. Smoke shot from the vents on the stage.

_Don't ever look back_  
_Don't ever look back on the world closing in_

_Be on the attack with your wings on the wind  
Oh, the games will begin _

The crowd had begun to sway lighters in unison to the music. Mousse played on the drums wearing a pair of sunglasses. Ryoga, Shampoo, Ukyo, and the others strummed on guitars with great skill. The rest of the band played instruments in unison, filling the stadium with a fantastic, uplifting sound.

_And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah!_  
_And it's ours for the taking_  
_It's ours for the fight_

Kuno grinned profusely as he looked back down to Edward, who was scrambling away in defeat. Kuno raised his arms in victory as smoke and fire spewed from the stage, the lights flashing as the music played.

_In the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah!_  
_And the world is last to fall_  
_Sweet, sweet, sweet victory_


End file.
